Shaurya Grover–

Rye Country Day School recently announced that it will be ramping up its academic program after no students were accepted into Yale this year. Apparently, the school was caught off guard by the fact that Ivy League admissions committees don’t just automatically accept anyone who has attended a fancy private school.

Parents and students alike are disappointed that their golden ticket to the Ivy League has been revoked. “I paid $50,000 a year for my kid to go to this school and now they’re not even getting into Yale? What a ripoff!” exclaimed one outraged parent.

The school’s plan to increase academic rigor involves kicking out the bottom 10% of the class in 9th grade and requiring all students to take Organic Chemistry and Multivariable Calculus. The administration is confident that these changes will magically make Yale admissions committees forget that they didn’t accept any Rye Country Day School students last year.

But that’s not all! The school has also implemented a few other changes in hopes of boosting its Ivy League acceptance rate. For starters, they will now only hire teachers who have graduated from Ivy League schools or with two or more PhDs.

When asked about the new policy, one administrator explained, “We figured that if we can’t get our students into Yale, we’ll just hire teachers who went there and hope that some of their brilliance rubs off on our students.”

The school has also started a new initiative called “Yale or Bust,” in which students are encouraged to spend every waking moment studying and preparing for college admissions. The administration is even looking into eliminating lunch, Physical Education classes, and Junior Varsity sports to make more time for academics.

While some parents are concerned about the changes, others are fully on board with the new initiative. “If my kid is going to get into Harvard, they’re going to have to work for it,” said one enthusiastic parent. “I’ve already canceled their summer vacation and signed them up for three extra tutoring sessions a week!”

Another parent chimed in, “I’m just glad that the school is finally taking this seriously. We can’t afford to have our kids going to some second-rate college like Princeton, Harvard, or the University of Pennsylvania.”

Only time will tell whether the changes will pay off, but in the meantime, the parents of Rye Country Day School are fully supportive of the school’s efforts to get their kids into the most prestigious universities in the country.